New Things

I was talking with a friend tonight, and it stirred up two emotions that prompted me to check this blog. She's studying abroad in South America and was talking about blogging to capture it all. It reminded me so much of my experiences at Summit Semester, which resembles a semester abroad more and more when I think about it. She also talked about how exciting my life is right now, with the changes that have happened recently. A lot of days, I'm just living, and it's easy to forget how exciting these changes actually are. But seriously:

In the past two months, I've returned from an awesome mission trip to Romania, finished college, visited S2 friends, toured a seminary, read the Harry Potter books, watched friends/mentors transition to new stages of life, started working part-time at the church, purchased potential play-off tickets for the Rangers, and begun investing in a small group.

Obviously, some of those things are more significant than others, but they all make me very happy.

I came back from Romania excited for the future, but it was founded out of trusting God and being encouraged by what He was doing in other people. But since then, He has thrown open doors, almost before I could ask, and definitely beyond what I could ask or imagine. While I still find myself having to fight getting ahead of God, it has been very encouraging. In the midst of all this, I have to remind myself to trust and wait. I have to remind myself that God is good. And I think that's the main reason I write blogs like this, to look back at standing stones and remember.

Zakar - remember and live, because God is faithful.

Waiting On God

EDIT: This is a couple weeks old, but still worth posting, I think.

I find that I can grasp a better perspective when I'm flying at 30,000 feet. The matters that are so pressing on the ground are mere specks, and I wonder what the whole universe must look like when God looks down. Sometimes I need to be reminded He's got the whole world in His hands.

Anyways, while flying home yesterday, I was journaling. I won't bore you with most of it, but something really stuck out to me.

See, for the past several years, when well-meaning people have asked some version of that dreaded question - what do you want to be when you grow up? - I've sketched the broad goal of my life as I know it and usually finish with something like, "I'm waiting on God to see what's next." And I've had multiple, unrelated people say almost the exact same thing: "Well, waiting on God is very good place to be in."

I smile and nod, because I know it's true, but the impatient part of me wants to mutter, "Oh yeah? It'd really be nice to know what's going on..."

But I think I've realized why I've never gotten it before. Here's what I wrote last night.

For far too long, I've been waiting on God to do something - to reveal His plan, or at least the next step, to open up a door, to direct friendships and relationships, or just to speak. But if I'm waiting on anything other than God Himself, I will never be satisfied, for nothing else can satisfy. But if my desire is God Himself, nothing else matters - where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing. I'm not waiting for the next big event or a list of instructions or for the right people to show up. I'm listening for God Himself and what He wants me to do in this moment. I'm walking in step with the Spirit, covered in the dust of the Rabbi. Indeed, waiting on God is a good place, a good state to be in. Waiting on God to do something I think He should do is a miserable state to be in, for it, by nature, cannot satisfy. Only God Himself can do that.

Psalm 62

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

"God's will for my life"

God is good.

After years of hearing Him whisper, I finally heard what He's been trying to tell me the past three years. Especially this past year, I've been looking for the wrong things. Reading Francis Chan's book Forgotten God definitely helped me crystallize some of these thoughts, but it's been incredible to see God confirm His word through so many different circumstances.

My dwelling place, my security, my home, my future is in Christ and Christ alone. If I look for these things in any other place, I will never be satisfied.

I do not have the right to seek or know "God's will for my life." It's not biblical to know "God's will for my life" as I usually mean the phrase. It sounds spiritual, but it's really just a demand for God to let me know what He's going to do the next five, ten, twenty, fifty years. And God doesn't work that way. He called Abram to go when Abram had no idea where he was going or where He would end up. We're called to walk by faith, not by sight, and sight is what I have been demanding of God, in a super spiritual nice way. Right.

But that fact is, I know God's will for my life. Scripture's pretty straightforward here. Love God. Love people. Follow Jesus. Walk in step with the Spirit.

And in His grace, He's given me more specifics - use media to mobilize the Church for the sake of the Unreached. Do I have any idea what this will practically look like? Heck no. But for the first time, I'm okay with that.

I have no right to ask/demand to know anything beyond this. I'm not supposed to know the five year plan or have my retirement figured out. I'm called to pick up my cross and crucify myself and follow Jesus and be faithful to obey in the little things every single day. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Honestly, I've been somewhat surprised to find the freedom in this, because it's definitely terrifying, too. But real grace is a terrifying thing. Radical grace demands radical discipleship, and there is nothing Jesus does not demand I give up. My flesh is terrified, but my spirit is at peace. Aslan may not be safe, but He is good. He is faithful. And right now, that's all I need to know.

Depression and Perspective

I was seriously discouraged and depressed this afternoon. There are times I get so frustrated with the state of the Union right now I want to drop kick my citizenship as far as I can. Talking about the latest assault on American rights and freedom in the form of the passage of the Cap and Tax bill and the devastating effects it will have on the economy over dinner was extremely discouraging to me.

My heart's not in America, anymore, and that doesn't really have anything to do with the current administration or the destruction of the Constitution. It has everything to do with the Kingdom and what God is doing in the earth. I could really care less about America. Keep your change and hope and Gitmo terrorists and health care and education and mandatory volunteerism and your global warming and ethanol. I'm easy to please, just give me a passport. That's all I want.

Yet I know I'll be here at least two more years, and those two years seem like a long time. I struggle with not wanting to be here in America, yet knowing I am here for this season. And I don't really know what to do. Politically, I don't think America will rebound, not the way I'd like it to. Spiritually, I don't know what to think of the American church, except that we're failing miserably. Economically, things are going to get a lot worse before they get better.

In the midst of my depressed state, my mom spoke three words that brought perspective.

"First century Jerusalem."

(She actually expanded that thought, but those words snapped me back to True Reality.) The church Jesus left on earth was small and without great resources. (Most of them were ex-fishermen who gave up their whole livelihood to follow Jesus!) They were living under an extremely oppressive government who demanded heavy taxes. The political leader to whom they had to submit, who claimed to be deity incarnate, opposed everything their True King stood for.

And yet the gospel flourished.

God will accomplish what He says He will. Isaiah declares: "Of the increase of His Kingdom there will be no end." God isn't surprised by any of this, but instead He is working it and orchestrating it to accomplish His plans and His purposes in the earth.

How often I forget that.

How desperately I need to remember it.

Of the increase of His Kingdom there will be no end.

I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills His purpose for me. Psalm 57:2

Perspective on Growth

Recently I reread Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis. I enjoy his overall story, but I love the short aside scenes that give detail and insight. One such scene grabbed my attention. Lucy has just returned to Narnia with her siblings, one year to them since their last visit, but during which Narnia has aged centuries. Lucy is the first to see Aslan and this transpires after her initial reaction:

"Welcome, child," he said.
"Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger."
"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

Every year you grow, you will find me bigger.

That struck me as being such an awesome promise. I thought about about large objects and how relatively they shrink as we grow. Hiding behind my parents' legs is not nearly as reassuring now as it was when I was a toddler. I remember being about 12 and sizing up a large pine tree standing next to my grandparents' cabin. Yes, it was no seedling, but hardly as impressive as it was to my young preschool mind when I could play in the gap between the low first level of branches and the ground, the tree seemingly rising above us forever.

Some would say god shrinks as one grows up, until he becomes nothing but a crutch for the weak and dying. Yet to those who know Him, He is ever-expansive and beyond all comprehension. Large problems, death, fear, doubt, and scientific 'fact' do not destroy God's credibiliy. They do not reduce Him to a LEGO minifigure in a grownup's hand. Problems do not shrink God; they create opportunities in which He manifests His power and increases His glory.

The more we see God, the more we can see His greatness. To our perspective, He is constantly growing - exponentially.

This is a new year in which I hope to experience much growth in many areas. But more than anything, I want my view of God to get bigger and more Biblical.

This year may I grow, that I would find You bigger.