My Life and Hebrews 12

I wrote this about two weeks ago, but I haven't had regular internet access until today.

In many ways, this reflects the journey I've been on the past three years. In many ways, it specifically reflects the experiences of this summer.


Stirred dust billows high
As the cross I shouldered long ago
Scrapes the desert sand.
Falling, I scream at the cloudless sky.
"Do you know how heavy this thing is?
Have you brought me into the wilderness to die?"

The silence is shattered.
Long awaited answers come,
Not as I had hoped
But as a slap in the face.
Yet I find a gentle embrace
Awakening truth, renewing reality.

"Yes, it is heavy. I know the burden well.
But you have not yet begun
To shed your blood in this fight!
It is my blood that stained your hands.
And it is my blood that stains your heart,
Making you righteous, whiter than snow.

"I have brought you to this wilderness
Yes, you must learn to die,
But this is for my glory and your life.
Do not despise this testing.
I discipline those I love.
Strengthen your knees and run well the race."

And now the silence is all mine.
I ponder the intimacy found in the desert,
Being given what I need
But never would have chosen.
Considering the joy of Him who endured,
I fix my eyes. I will trust. I will obey.

Grace Has Brought Me Safe Thus Far...

I was struck by something this week. In many ways, I'm exactly where I wanted to be four years ago. I'm a youth intern, living at home, working on school in Dallas. And yet I'm in a different world today than the one I anticipated four years ago. I'm in a completely different church, very different circumstances, and I pursuing a college path I never would have considered. To be honest, there are times this is still frustrating to me. It's not where I wanted to be. But it's EXACTLY where God wants me to be, and that is all that matters.

I'm so grateful that God gives me so many opportunities to trust Him. Many of them are not necessarily opportunities I would choose, except in this: I look back, and I see nothing but the faithfulness of God.

The past couple of weeks we've seen a transition in our church leadership that was initially very uncomfortable for me. It struck way too close to home, in that it was almost identical to the situation we experienced when our old church split apart. I was disappointed, worried, and, scared about it all - which really revealed my reluctance to trust God. I don't see the end of the situation yet, but God is so good. He's brought a new pastor who's amazing. I was privileged to sit and talk worship and missions and theology and denominations with him for almost an hour, and it was incredible. I have so many new things to think about. If only I could learn...I'm trying, and God is faithful to give me opportunities to struggle to trust Him.

God always works for His glory, which is always for our good.

That's ridiculous. Absolutely incredible. There are times when He is orchestrating events so far beyond me that I can't see even a hint of what He's doing, and I so quickly begin to question. But God is faithful. He is good. And He shows me this time and time again, in little matters and in things that are determining the course and direction of my life.

This is where I am right now. I know God has a plan, and it is good, because He is good. It may not be safe, but it is good. I'm at this intersection of knowing God's goodness and faithfulness, and really knowing and believing that I can trust Him. The hard part is truly living this out, walking day by day by faith, not by sight. At this point, I'm struggling and falling more than I"m walking. But I can see the progress. I'm slowly learning how to walk, as He is faithful to pick me up and set me on my feet again and again.

Grace has brought me safe thus far, and Grace will lead me Home.

"God's will for my life"

God is good.

After years of hearing Him whisper, I finally heard what He's been trying to tell me the past three years. Especially this past year, I've been looking for the wrong things. Reading Francis Chan's book Forgotten God definitely helped me crystallize some of these thoughts, but it's been incredible to see God confirm His word through so many different circumstances.

My dwelling place, my security, my home, my future is in Christ and Christ alone. If I look for these things in any other place, I will never be satisfied.

I do not have the right to seek or know "God's will for my life." It's not biblical to know "God's will for my life" as I usually mean the phrase. It sounds spiritual, but it's really just a demand for God to let me know what He's going to do the next five, ten, twenty, fifty years. And God doesn't work that way. He called Abram to go when Abram had no idea where he was going or where He would end up. We're called to walk by faith, not by sight, and sight is what I have been demanding of God, in a super spiritual nice way. Right.

But that fact is, I know God's will for my life. Scripture's pretty straightforward here. Love God. Love people. Follow Jesus. Walk in step with the Spirit.

And in His grace, He's given me more specifics - use media to mobilize the Church for the sake of the Unreached. Do I have any idea what this will practically look like? Heck no. But for the first time, I'm okay with that.

I have no right to ask/demand to know anything beyond this. I'm not supposed to know the five year plan or have my retirement figured out. I'm called to pick up my cross and crucify myself and follow Jesus and be faithful to obey in the little things every single day. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Honestly, I've been somewhat surprised to find the freedom in this, because it's definitely terrifying, too. But real grace is a terrifying thing. Radical grace demands radical discipleship, and there is nothing Jesus does not demand I give up. My flesh is terrified, but my spirit is at peace. Aslan may not be safe, but He is good. He is faithful. And right now, that's all I need to know.

My brother told me to blog more...

and so this is for him. He tried to bait me with something about Joel Osteen, but I'm sick of being frustrated by his type.

I'm realizing I don't really truly know anything about prayer. Which means I really truly don't understand God.

I find myself getting frustrated, overwhelmed, and helpless as I survey the world. I'm discovering these massive problems (like Pakistan) and nothing I can physically do is really going to make a difference.

I'm exhorting, begging people to pray - cause that's the only thing we really can do - and yet I have to fight myself. Part of me feels like that won't accomplish anything. I want to actually make a difference, solve the problem, do anything. And yet, for all practical purposes, my hands are tied. So I suggest we pray as a last resort.

Could my thinking be more backward?

I serve the God of the universe, who invites me to enter into conversation with Him, to petition Him to move in the earth and I'm told He will! Yet coming to Him more often than not is my last course of action, instead of the first thing my heart knows to do.

No wonder I don't know God.

God calls us to so much more - to really know Him, to walk in step with the Spirit, to pray continually. If I really understood what it meant to be in constant conversation with the most powerful and loving being in the universe, how could I not pray continually?

I have so much to learn. Lord, teach me how to pray.

Pakistan Part Two

I wrote this for our church newsletter:

For Christians in Pakistan, the persecution has never been worse.

Globally, militant Islam has been on the rise for several decades, and this has been seen in Pakistan as well. However, tensions rose dramatically with 9/11 and the ensuing war in neighboring Afghanistan. From mosque to mosque and town to town came a cry of revenge: “For every Muslim killed in Afghanistan, kill two Christians in Pakistan.”

There is a very strong sense of brotherhood within Islam. If a Muslim anywhere in the world is offended, injured, or killed, or if Islam is treated with disrespect, Muslims all over the world will respond with protests and demands for justice. Though Christians profess a similar doctrine as a key tenet of our faith (I believe in the holy catholic [universal] church…), we often are not aware of the suffering our brothers and sisters in Christ are enduring, and we rarely respond to their persecution.

In Pakistan, Christians faithfully attend church services, not knowing if they will walk out unharmed. Christian villages and their residents have been burned. A harsh Islamic blasphemy law makes it illegal to even compare Mohammed, the Koran, or Allah to Christianity—much less actually share the gospel. Scores of Christians have been imprisoned or martyred on charges of blasphemy, which are often completely false. Pakistani Christians seeking asylum in the United States are often met with unsympathetic immigration judges who do not understand the reality of the death threats they have received from radical Islam.

The stories of many, many Pakistani Christians are too horrendous to share in this publication, but they are real. We must not turn a blind eye to those who suffer. They are our brothers and sisters in Christ, and we have to support them, though we know nothing of the reality they face every day.

Pray for Pakistan. Pray when you learn of international news and politics. Pray for the Christian Pakistani community here in America as they try to intervene on behalf of endangered family and friends. Pray that God would protect strengthen, and encourage His people, especially those imprisoned and experiencing severe persecution. Pray that Christians would be faithful lights in the midst of great darkness and that God would draw many unto Himself. Pray that the strongholds of Islam would be broken and that God’s glory would be displayed in Pakistan and throughout the earth.

Pakistan Part One

Note: I was asked to write a short article about persecution in Pakistan for our church newsletter. This is part one, giving background, and I'm going to interview a family in our church that recently left Pakistan for a second part in a couple of weeks.

In the aftermath of genocides, the world community has developed a naïve but standard response. “We didn’t know, so we couldn’t respond, but we’ll try to do better next time. Never again!” From the Holocaust to Cambodia to Rwanda, all too often the world looks the other way until it is too late.

As members of the body of Christ, we must be aware of what is going on across the globe, right now. In dozens of countries, millions face severe restrictions, imprisonment, and death because of their minority status. Our connection to these goes far beyond shared humanity – they are family, brothers and sisters in Christ. In one particular place, persecution is severe and rising.

Pakistan is a tumultuous country, sharing tense borders with Afghanistan and India. Internal and international rumblings and connections with terrorism are often highlighted in the news. But for Pakistan’s three million Christians, less than 2.5% of the population, their persecution often goes unnoticed.

At times, the world takes note, as it did last month when six World Vision workers were murdered. But we cannot realize the courage it takes to walk into church knowing one might not get to walk out. Harsh Islamic law means that on average, at least one Pakistani Christian is imprisoned and another killed each month, often on trumped up blasphemy charges. Whole Christian villages have been destroyed, and many more homes and churches burned. Splinter groups from both the Taliban and al-Qaeda actively pursue Christians. Brother Andrew’s organization Open Doors ranks Pakistan as the fourteenth most persecuting country in 2010.

So what can we do? The honest answer is that we are limited in how we can respond. But three things are essential. First, educate yourself and those around you. Be aware of the persecution that is threatening so many of our brothers and sisters around the globe. As you do this, pray. Use the information you’ve learned to pray specific prayers for persecuted Christians. Sign up for updates from The Voice of the Martyrs or Open Doors, and pray as you receive news from believers around the world. Finally, reach out to internationals here in our own community. Many have their own stories of persecution, as well as family in areas where they may still be at risk. Get to know them personally and pray with them.

Calling, Butterflies, and Fools

I'd been helping my brother collect for the biology insect collection for about an hour. There seemed to be a certain butterfly that was taunting us, as Robert made several attempts to catch it. It was man enough to not fly above and beyond the trees, but it always seemed to stay just out of reach. (This prompted Robert's status update: "Freakin' Lepidoptera! You know who you are!") Robert had chased it all the way down and back up the field for a couple of minutes. I was determined to get it, so I grabbed the net.

For a full minute or so, my full attention was completely on capturing the freaking Lepidoptera. Sprinting, pivoting, almost tripping, sidestepping back as it fluttered just ahead of my swinging, swooping net, I was oblivious to everything else - the weeds I was crashing through, my brother's tired laugh, the cars honking as they passed on their way to the soccer game. I didn't care, because I was going to catch it.

I looked like a fool in the process, but I caught it.

Driving home, I thought about the chapter I had recently read in Os Guinness' book The Call - "Everybody's Fools."

"Fools for Christ" are not actually, or literally, or objectively fools but those who are prepared to be seen and treated as fools for Christ's sake. Since the world in its pretended wisdom foolishly thinks itself wise, it sees God's true wisdom as foolishness. Those faithful to God must therefore break with the world and bear its folly. They are what I call "foolbearers," acting out of love for Christ and wearing the world's shame as a badge of allegiance and honor.

Guinness acknowledges that "Holly folly has unquestionably gained a bad name in some Christian circles and for solid reasons. Sometimes it inspired what looks like plain weirdness...sometimes it has been used to justify flagrant anti-intellectualism..."

I've spent a lot of time in the past couple of years thinking and trying to be anything but a fool. I want to be an intellectual Christian. I want to communicate with media with excellence, not at the sub-par level expected from anything with a "Christian" label. At some level, these pursuits are good. We're called to love God with all our minds and all our strength. Our work as creators made in the image of the Creator should be excellent. But the focus has to be on God and His glory, not 'engaging (read: impressing) the world' or being 'relevant' or any other catchphrase or side effect.

Christians have made mistakes in the last century when it comes to interacting with culture and being intellectual, and it's not wrong to want to move beyond these. However, I'm forced to acknowledge how often my motivation for not being foolish is purely selfish and not to glorify God. Who do I think I am? Am I better than the prophets? The apostles? Jesus?

Calling entails the cost of discipleship. The deepest challenge is to renounce self and identify with Jesus in his sufferings and rejection.

Foolbearing is essential to calling because it is the true way to count the cost of identifying with Jesus. It is the price of obeying His call, renouncing self, and taking up the cross to follow Him.

Foolbearing is essential to calling because it positions us unmistakably before the world as a counterculture, antithetical to the world's very being. In the gospel there is an antithesis to the world that we dare no relax, a cost to discipleship that we cannot waive, a challenge to obedience that we must not conceal, and a scandal to faith that we should never airbrush away. If loyalty to those truths puts us beyond the pale, so be it.

Foolbearing is essential to calling because it is Christ's way of responding to injury. All of us as followers of Christ will flinch at times from the pain of wounds and the smart of slights, but that cost is in the contract of calling and the way of the cross.

I'm called to chase greater things than butterflies. I'm called to seek God and His Kingdom and righteousness. I can't remember the last time I pursued those things with half the focus and abandonment I gave the freaking butterfly. I'm a fool!

I'm a fool who desperately needs to die to myself and take up my cross and become a foolbearer, to the glory of God alone.